Power Rankings: Week 8

Tier 1

Like Matt Stafford at trailer park community pool party, the Commish f#ck!ng killed it in his Week 7 predictions, picking his way to a perfect 6 – 0. No change in the top spot, but there are four teams in the top tier this week because I couldn’t justify dropping the Albinos or the Owls in with the rest of the dregs. On with the Rankings!

#1 Who wants Jenni ngs or Harvin? 6 – 1 @ 1540 pts/gm

When the top ranked team outperforms its average, its a good bet that they will stay on top. I correctly predicted the Jennis would win by +500 and Monster performances from the Matts – Stafford (338 pts) and Forte (299 pts) – put the Jennis way out in front of the Cooch. And they never looked back, winning by 899 points. We once hailed this team as having the most quality quarterback depth in League, and it’s a good thing too, because Sam Bradford is done for the year after tearing his ACL. Hopefully Mike Vick returns to form quickly, or the Jennis are gonna have problems filling their OP position with a quality starter. But even with their quarterback health woes, the Jennis are still the team to beat. Big time matchup against the BOOs this week. My prediction: Jennis roll into Week 8 as as the only team with 7 wins

#2 BOO YAH! 6 – 1 @ 1396 pts/gm

The BOOs reach the two spot for the first time this season behind their two cannons, Matt Ryan (302 pts) and Andrew Luck (361 pts). The quarterbacks were so good, they overcame sub-par performances from Josh Gordon (is he fantasy-relevant enough that can I say that now?) and T.Y. Hilton, who combined for 68 points. If the BOOs have 1500+ points in them, now is the time to show it, since they play the Jennis this week. This is definitely their best shot all season at becoming No. 1, not to mention it would give them the inside track to a first round playoff bye. My prediction: BOO streak finally comes to an end

#3 Albino Polar Bears 5 – 2 @ 1314 pts/gm

Maybe I picked the OFFs to upset the White Bears because I overvalue my own team. If so, then chalk up the Bears’ single-spot slide to my belief that they lost to a quality opponent. But there’s nothing quality about 763 points. But when Arian Foster and Jay Cutler both make early exits and give you a total of 1 point, then Russell Wilson’s 270 don’t make much of a difference. Sounds like Foster is going to be okay, but Cutler is done for a while, so the Bears are lucky they have a quarterback and a half stashed away on their bench (Terrelle Pryor and Josh Freeman). This team has talent up and down the roster, but I’m just not sure the chemistry is there. We’ll see what they’re made of this week though, they play the Owls in a potential playoff preview. My prediction: Pryor fills in admirably for Cutler, but it won’t be enough to stop Peyton Manning

#4 Sophisticated Owls 4 – 3 @ 1429 pts/gm

It was a must-win game for the Owls, and they eeked out a victory against the still-dangerous Weinermans. Even in defeat, Manning was brilliant in fantasy, and he combined with Phillips Rivers for 573 points. And a TD from savvy spot-start Ruben Randle on Monday night sealed the deal. After the trade for Shady McCoy, the Owls are in a prime position to take over the #3 spot in both the Power Rankings and League standings this week against the Albinos. I’ll let you decide which is more important. My prediction: Duh, Owls win

Tier 2

The whitey in the background looks thoroughly confused by what he is witnessing. The same could be said for all of us watching the teams in this tier. Suffice to say, they are all very unlikely to  creep into the top tier as currently constituted.

#5 1-Legged Deer 4 – 3 @ 1117 pts/gm

The Deer managed to win despite failing to post 1000 points. But when Alex Smith is your highest scorer (213 pts) thanks to a rushing touchdown, you’re just lucky to get a W. Beastmode and Moreno were serviceable enough (100+ pts each), but Brady sucked again (90 pts). I’ve said it before, but the Deer have to find a way to score more points. This week is a perfect example – the Deer take on the Nots in a game they should win. But I bet they don’t. Especially if they stick with Reggie Wayne in their starting lineup. My prediction: Nots take down the Deer

#6 FLACC OFF 3 – 4 @ 1283 pts/gm

They may have caught the White Bears on a down week, but hey, they just won, baby. Am I right, Al? Flac seems to be back, as he combined with A-Rod to account for almost half of their team’s points (520 pts). But the OFFs’ running back woes continue, with The Butler and Bilal Powell both pulling a CJ Spiller-esque disappearing act. They do have most of the Giants backfield, but since it’s not 2009, I don’t see Brandon Jacobs or Peyton Hillis saving the day. Simply put, the Randall Cobb injury may have sunk their season, even if he comes back at full strength. My prediction: OFFs lose to the Weinermans and are forced to reconsider everything they thought they knew

#7 Not Relevant3 – 4 @ 1295 pts/gm

Rostering Andy Dalton, Ryan Tannehill, Jake Locker and Case Keenum, I present to you the King of the B-List Quarterbacks! They also have Matt Barkley, but… seriously… com’ on, Hank. That’s a waste of a roster spot. But the Nots are still hanging on to AJ Green and Dez, and if they can keep putting up 1300+ points, they’ll beat some more teams. But with Bryce Brown and Kendall Hunter starting at running back, it’s hard to imagine they can do that many more weeks. But they probably won’t even need that much to win this week. My prediction: Nots win

Tier 3

“He said he had a concussion? I guess that’s a better excuse than when Joe Webb had ‘diarrhea.'” The starter again in Minnesota by default, will Christian Ponder and the Somethings be laughing all the way to the playoffs? (Hint: Nope.)

#8 Ndamukong Something 3 – 4 @ 1164 pts/gm

The Somethings continue their march up the rankings, notching their third win by taking down the Nots. And they didn’t even start Thad Lewis (as suggested here last week). The Somethings’ 1538 points is their high water mark this season, with four players over 200 points, including CJ & VJ combining for 628 points! And Christian Ponder’s starting again! Things are really looking up for the Somethings. Look for that to continue as Mike Glennon and Jackson had another good game last night to start their matchup against the falling Stars. My prediction: Somethings creep back to .500

#9 Suckmy Weinermans 2 – 5 @ 1198 pts/gm

The Weinermans have the best farm system in the League by far. Despite trading away five players, the Weinermans continue to put up points. Productive players they didn’t draft include Jarret Boykin, Terrance Williams and Geno Smith. In fact, it’s Geno’s solid play of late that has no doubt spurred the resurgence of the ‘fire sale’ emails because it makes Romo or Kaepernick seem expendable. This week they face the OFFs, and they’re, well, off to a good start thanks that sneaky strong Carolina defense. My prediction: It comes down to the defense, Weinermans win in this week’s *upset special*

#10 Caminker Hair Mousse AllStars 2 – 5 @ 1197 pts/gm

It was a statement game against the Deer and the AllStars made a statement alright: They stink. You know its a bad sign when you have room on your roster to stash six quarterbacks (Eli, Schaub, Foles, Henne, Fitzpatrick and Manuel). And amazingly, none of those players are a handcuff. But it’s an even worse sign when CJ2k is your leading score (190 points) and, other than him, only Eli and his brother’s tight end (you see what I did there, do ya?) cracked the century mark. But they’ve got Percy Harvin! He should be worth a mid-round pick by the deadline. But right now, they are losing to the Somethings by over 200 points. My prediction: That’s about where they finish, Stars lose again

Tier 4

We all missed him, but will Gronk’s return be enough to get the Overachievers out of the bottom tier? Probably not. But at least they don’t have to worry about falling anywhere – the Ole Cooch have taken out a one-year lease on last place.

#11 The Overachievers 2 – 5 @ 1069 pts/gm

The Overachievers were in the sub-1000 club again this week. At this point, they’re not just a member, they the m*th3r f#ck!ng president! Over/under a weekly average of 1000 by season’s end? I’ll take the under fasho. But they’re quarterbacks are waking up, as Cam has average almost 300 points the last few weeks and RGIII had 327 points last week alone. Murray is back this week, and Gronk will have another week of full participation under his belt, but they might just be trade bait at this point. But they’ll be enough to beat the Cooch this week. My prediction: Overachievers “win”

#12 Yester Cooch 2 – 5 @ 1113 pts/gm

Okay, he started Drew Brees on a bye, but without another starting quarterback on his team or the waiver wire (I checked), can you blame him? Turns out you can, because he also left AP on his bench and started the injured Owen Daniels. And no, AP’s sub-par performance does not justify leaving him on the bench. Decker’s 250 points were unsurprisingly too little to matter in the matchup, but they never really had a chance against the top-ranked Jennis anyway. And they’re already down 350 to the Overachievers, which is way too big a margin for them to overcome. My prediction: In a game both teams deserve to lose, the Cooch actually do

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