Power Rankings: Week 8

Tier 1

Like Matt Stafford at trailer park community pool party, the Commish f#ck!ng killed it in his Week 7 predictions, picking his way to a perfect 6 – 0. No change in the top spot, but there are four teams in the top tier this week because I couldn’t justify dropping the Albinos or the Owls in with the rest of the dregs. On with the Rankings!

#1 Who wants Jenni ngs or Harvin? 6 – 1 @ 1540 pts/gm

When the top ranked team outperforms its average, its a good bet that they will stay on top. I correctly predicted the Jennis would win by +500 and Monster performances from the Matts – Stafford (338 pts) and Forte (299 pts) – put the Jennis way out in front of the Cooch. And they never looked back, winning by 899 points. We once hailed this team as having the most quality quarterback depth in League, and it’s a good thing too, because Sam Bradford is done for the year after tearing his ACL. Hopefully Mike Vick returns to form quickly, or the Jennis are gonna have problems filling their OP position with a quality starter. But even with their quarterback health woes, the Jennis are still the team to beat. Big time matchup against the BOOs this week. My prediction: Jennis roll into Week 8 as as the only team with 7 wins

#2 BOO YAH! 6 – 1 @ 1396 pts/gm

The BOOs reach the two spot for the first time this season behind their two cannons, Matt Ryan (302 pts) and Andrew Luck (361 pts). The quarterbacks were so good, they overcame sub-par performances from Josh Gordon (is he fantasy-relevant enough that can I say that now?) and T.Y. Hilton, who combined for 68 points. If the BOOs have 1500+ points in them, now is the time to show it, since they play the Jennis this week. This is definitely their best shot all season at becoming No. 1, not to mention it would give them the inside track to a first round playoff bye. My prediction: BOO streak finally comes to an end

#3 Albino Polar Bears 5 – 2 @ 1314 pts/gm

Maybe I picked the OFFs to upset the White Bears because I overvalue my own team. If so, then chalk up the Bears’ single-spot slide to my belief that they lost to a quality opponent. But there’s nothing quality about 763 points. But when Arian Foster and Jay Cutler both make early exits and give you a total of 1 point, then Russell Wilson’s 270 don’t make much of a difference. Sounds like Foster is going to be okay, but Cutler is done for a while, so the Bears are lucky they have a quarterback and a half stashed away on their bench (Terrelle Pryor and Josh Freeman). This team has talent up and down the roster, but I’m just not sure the chemistry is there. We’ll see what they’re made of this week though, they play the Owls in a potential playoff preview. My prediction: Pryor fills in admirably for Cutler, but it won’t be enough to stop Peyton Manning

#4 Sophisticated Owls 4 – 3 @ 1429 pts/gm

It was a must-win game for the Owls, and they eeked out a victory against the still-dangerous Weinermans. Even in defeat, Manning was brilliant in fantasy, and he combined with Phillips Rivers for 573 points. And a TD from savvy spot-start Ruben Randle on Monday night sealed the deal. After the trade for Shady McCoy, the Owls are in a prime position to take over the #3 spot in both the Power Rankings and League standings this week against the Albinos. I’ll let you decide which is more important. My prediction: Duh, Owls win

Tier 2

The whitey in the background looks thoroughly confused by what he is witnessing. The same could be said for all of us watching the teams in this tier. Suffice to say, they are all very unlikely to  creep into the top tier as currently constituted.

#5 1-Legged Deer 4 – 3 @ 1117 pts/gm

The Deer managed to win despite failing to post 1000 points. But when Alex Smith is your highest scorer (213 pts) thanks to a rushing touchdown, you’re just lucky to get a W. Beastmode and Moreno were serviceable enough (100+ pts each), but Brady sucked again (90 pts). I’ve said it before, but the Deer have to find a way to score more points. This week is a perfect example – the Deer take on the Nots in a game they should win. But I bet they don’t. Especially if they stick with Reggie Wayne in their starting lineup. My prediction: Nots take down the Deer

#6 FLACC OFF 3 – 4 @ 1283 pts/gm

They may have caught the White Bears on a down week, but hey, they just won, baby. Am I right, Al? Flac seems to be back, as he combined with A-Rod to account for almost half of their team’s points (520 pts). But the OFFs’ running back woes continue, with The Butler and Bilal Powell both pulling a CJ Spiller-esque disappearing act. They do have most of the Giants backfield, but since it’s not 2009, I don’t see Brandon Jacobs or Peyton Hillis saving the day. Simply put, the Randall Cobb injury may have sunk their season, even if he comes back at full strength. My prediction: OFFs lose to the Weinermans and are forced to reconsider everything they thought they knew

#7 Not Relevant3 – 4 @ 1295 pts/gm

Rostering Andy Dalton, Ryan Tannehill, Jake Locker and Case Keenum, I present to you the King of the B-List Quarterbacks! They also have Matt Barkley, but… seriously… com’ on, Hank. That’s a waste of a roster spot. But the Nots are still hanging on to AJ Green and Dez, and if they can keep putting up 1300+ points, they’ll beat some more teams. But with Bryce Brown and Kendall Hunter starting at running back, it’s hard to imagine they can do that many more weeks. But they probably won’t even need that much to win this week. My prediction: Nots win

Tier 3

“He said he had a concussion? I guess that’s a better excuse than when Joe Webb had ‘diarrhea.'” The starter again in Minnesota by default, will Christian Ponder and the Somethings be laughing all the way to the playoffs? (Hint: Nope.)

#8 Ndamukong Something 3 – 4 @ 1164 pts/gm

The Somethings continue their march up the rankings, notching their third win by taking down the Nots. And they didn’t even start Thad Lewis (as suggested here last week). The Somethings’ 1538 points is their high water mark this season, with four players over 200 points, including CJ & VJ combining for 628 points! And Christian Ponder’s starting again! Things are really looking up for the Somethings. Look for that to continue as Mike Glennon and Jackson had another good game last night to start their matchup against the falling Stars. My prediction: Somethings creep back to .500

#9 Suckmy Weinermans 2 – 5 @ 1198 pts/gm

The Weinermans have the best farm system in the League by far. Despite trading away five players, the Weinermans continue to put up points. Productive players they didn’t draft include Jarret Boykin, Terrance Williams and Geno Smith. In fact, it’s Geno’s solid play of late that has no doubt spurred the resurgence of the ‘fire sale’ emails because it makes Romo or Kaepernick seem expendable. This week they face the OFFs, and they’re, well, off to a good start thanks that sneaky strong Carolina defense. My prediction: It comes down to the defense, Weinermans win in this week’s *upset special*

#10 Caminker Hair Mousse AllStars 2 – 5 @ 1197 pts/gm

It was a statement game against the Deer and the AllStars made a statement alright: They stink. You know its a bad sign when you have room on your roster to stash six quarterbacks (Eli, Schaub, Foles, Henne, Fitzpatrick and Manuel). And amazingly, none of those players are a handcuff. But it’s an even worse sign when CJ2k is your leading score (190 points) and, other than him, only Eli and his brother’s tight end (you see what I did there, do ya?) cracked the century mark. But they’ve got Percy Harvin! He should be worth a mid-round pick by the deadline. But right now, they are losing to the Somethings by over 200 points. My prediction: That’s about where they finish, Stars lose again

Tier 4

We all missed him, but will Gronk’s return be enough to get the Overachievers out of the bottom tier? Probably not. But at least they don’t have to worry about falling anywhere – the Ole Cooch have taken out a one-year lease on last place.

#11 The Overachievers 2 – 5 @ 1069 pts/gm

The Overachievers were in the sub-1000 club again this week. At this point, they’re not just a member, they the m*th3r f#ck!ng president! Over/under a weekly average of 1000 by season’s end? I’ll take the under fasho. But they’re quarterbacks are waking up, as Cam has average almost 300 points the last few weeks and RGIII had 327 points last week alone. Murray is back this week, and Gronk will have another week of full participation under his belt, but they might just be trade bait at this point. But they’ll be enough to beat the Cooch this week. My prediction: Overachievers “win”

#12 Yester Cooch 2 – 5 @ 1113 pts/gm

Okay, he started Drew Brees on a bye, but without another starting quarterback on his team or the waiver wire (I checked), can you blame him? Turns out you can, because he also left AP on his bench and started the injured Owen Daniels. And no, AP’s sub-par performance does not justify leaving him on the bench. Decker’s 250 points were unsurprisingly too little to matter in the matchup, but they never really had a chance against the top-ranked Jennis anyway. And they’re already down 350 to the Overachievers, which is way too big a margin for them to overcome. My prediction: In a game both teams deserve to lose, the Cooch actually do

Power Rankings: Week 7

Tier 1

A lot of change to the tiers this week. You had to have five wins to get into the top tier, so sorry to last week’s No. 1, the Owls, whose reign atop the Power Rankings was brief, but peaceful. The Jenni’s are back on top, followed by the Bears and the Boos. But will one of the Big Three lose this week? On with the Rankings!

#1 Who wants Jenni ngs or Harvin? 5 – 1 @ 1512 pts/gm

After just one week, the Jennis are back on top of the Power Rankings. But they didn’t really earn their way back though, as they beat the Nots with the Nots’s players (Welker and Lacy combined for 283 points). The Jennis continued their tradition of stellar quarterbackk-play, as Bradford filled in admirably for an injured Michael Vick and combined with Matt Stafford for 552.5 points. The Jennis got themselves in a who-to-start situation with Antonio Gates/Vernon Davis at tight end and the Seahawks/Bears defenses, but the rest of their bench is an island of misfit toys. Thanks to the Julio Jones for Wes Welker trade, their wide out trio remains top in the league (Welker, Brandon Marshall and Demaryius Thomas), so the Law Firm, DeAngelo Williams, and Zach Stacy might just be good enough to spot start for Matt Forte and Eddie Lacy in a pinch. But if either of those last two guys misses significant time, then the Jennis are toast. Maybe I should never taken them out of the top spot, because they’re a shoe-in to stay here for another week. Next up: the Ole Cooch (2 – 4). My prediction: Jennis win by 500+

#2 Albino Polar Bears 5 – 1 @ 1406 pts/gm

The Bears were no doubt confident going into their matchup against the Elder Cooch, but if they knew they were going to get zero production out of Jimmy Graham, their confidence would no doubt have been shaken. But they solved their quarterback puzzle this week and routed the Cooch in an all-around performance. I wonder, though, if T-Rich and Ryan Mathews are good enough running back compliments to Arian Foster for the Bears to take it all. And they have Andre Johnson too, which makes them a little too dependent on the Texans right now for my liking. If they can off FLACC OFF this weekend, they’ll do a lot to prove they’ve earned this spot. My prediction:  White Bears notch their sixth win… or do they?

#3 BOO YAH! 5 – 1 @ 1397 pts/gm

So I predicted the BOOs would finally fall in Week 6 and, once again, I was wrong. But it was really, really close. Matt Ryan was on a bye, it’s true, but they would have started Luck (112 pts) anyway, and Big Ben (225 pts) played admirably. But the started their damn-near optimal lineup and they only bested the Deer by four and half points. I’m just saying, it is improbable that a team who’s best running back is Giovani Bernard (Danny Woodhead?) has five wins at the almost-midway point of the season. And they play the Overachievers this week, so its hard to imagine them losing this week either. My prediction: Oh who the f#ck knows…

Tier 2

Do you smell what Alex Smith is cookin’? Paulson sure does. Like Alex Smith, this is a group with a lot to prove. They are all 3 – 3, two games behind the top tier. If they don’t watch out, their dreams of a first round bye could vanish completely.

#4 Sophisticated Owls 3 – 3 @ 1440 pts/gm

A pretty big drop in the Rankings for the Owls from last week (#1). But the Owls put up one of their lowest point total of the season en route to a loss to the lowly Overachievers. Peyton Manning was just all right by his standards, but the rest of the team really sh!t the money bed. Doug Martin has yet to emerge into the first round pick he was supposed to be, and a week like this proves that the Owls won’t be able to rely on Frank Gore or Freddy Jackson winning them anything in December. I wonder, assuming the Owls don’t improve via trade, can this team win it all without a first round bye? I’m starting to think that maybe Manning might not be enough. Rebound game this week against the Weinermans… My prediction: Owls escape the trap, get back above .500

#5 1-Legged Deer 3 – 3 @ 1142 pts/gm

Nothing went right for the Deer this week. They had several close calls in their lineup and one of them (who knows which) cost him the game. But Knowshon and Marshawn had a combined 614 point (literally, more than half the Deer’s points), so they have no excuse. I have mellowed on the Deer in recent weeks, and ultimately this feels like a team destined for a first round playoff loss. But you never know, they could pull of a big trade that makes me eat my words. They better beat the AllStars this week, or I can’t justify them being in this tier much longer. My prediction: Deer win, stay afloat

#6 Not Irrelevant! 3 – 3 @ 1280 pts/gm

You’d like to say they put up a good fight against the current No. 1, but then again, other than the Cincinnati Bengals (532 pts from Dalton and Green), this team pretty much sucked (just 553 for the rest of the starters). The bench was no help to them – they had four squadooshes, and the doesn’t count bye weeks. Honestly, I can’t believe they are still .500. Well done…? If things break their way, they could be alone in fourth place this time next week. Insanity! But they gotta get past the Somethings first. My prediction: Nots continue their spiral downward

Tier 3

The third tier is full of teams with twice as many losses as wins. One, maybe two, will make the play-offs, but it’s tough to imagine three of them making it. It’s time to put-up or shut-up for the bottom-half of the League. Now or never. [insert cliche here]

#7 FLACC OFF 2 – 4 @ 1314 pts/gm

The OFFs had a must win game against the Somethings. And they won. And they did it behind the $140M arm of Joe Flacco (269 pts). If that keeps up, then the OFFs might have a chance going forward, but the loss of Randall Cobb is going to hurt. Badly. Hopefully Brandon LaFell can take his place for a while. And am I a genius for picking up Brandon Jacobs last Thursday, or what? Now if only I’d started him. You can expect to see more than one recent waiver wire pick the OFFs’ starting line-up, which is probably why they’re seventh in the rankings. But it’ll be a tough game against the White Bears this week. My prediction: I really, really want to pick me… so you know what, I will! OFFs get their third win of the season **upset special**

#8 Suckmy Weinermans 2 – 4 @ 1193 pts/gm

The receiving core for the Weinermans is nothing short of laughable: Jerome Simpson, Terrance Williams and Donnie Avery. Yet somehow, they have their second win in as many weeks. It’s conceivable that we could see an entirely different group of receivers start for the Weinermans this week because Marlon Brown, Robert Woods, Austin Pettis and the newly-acquired Jarrett Boykin (who might now be the best receiver on the team) are all on the bench. And they’ve got Mario Manningham, Michael Crabtree and Terrelle Owens rehabbing on the bench. Okay, that last one was a joke, but the rest of that is all for real. This is why we don’t have roster limits, folks, because it’s awesome to see someone collect nine – nine! – sh!tty wide receivers on their team. You can’t make this stuff up. Can their Cinderella run last one more week? They’ve got the Owls next, so no, probably not. My prediction: Weinermans run out of… gas… lose their fifth game

#9 Caminker Hair Mousse AllStars 2 – 4 @ 1245 pts/gm

Does it hurt more to lose to the Weinermans or to lose to the Winerman? Think about the difference. Tough call. And if the AllStars had shook that Magic 8-Ball of quarterbacks one more time and started Nick Foles and Ryan Fitzpatrick instead of Eli Manning and Chad Henne… or Foles and Matt Schaub… or Foles and E.J. Manuel, you would have won! Then again, when your bench scores 913 points and you lose by just 9 points, you could have done just about anything else and won. At this rate, pretty soon we’ll talk about how Weiss used to be good at fantasy football like we talk about how the Browns used to be a proud NFL franchise. Interesting matchup this week against the Deer. My prediction: Foles starts, AllStars lose anyway

#10 The Overacheivers 2 – 4 @ 1082 pts/gm

Do you like Phil Collins? Well you should, because you won… Against All Odds! Get it? You see what I did there? I would love to rank you higher as a reward for your second win, but just look at that pitiful scoring average. I just… I just can’t. I didn’t put you in the bottom tier this week though, as my gift to Overachievers fans everywhere. And, if Cam Newton has another great second half to the season, and RGIII gets his act together, this team will win some more games. But with DeMarco (Polo!) Murray out, it probably won’t be this week. At least not against the BOOs. My prediction: Another loss for the Overachievers

Tier 4

Don’t look so worried, Thad. I’m sure you can hold off Matt Flynn. You may good enough to start for the Bills, but will be good enough to start for the Somethings this week? Only time will tell. Over/under five wins for the Somethings plus the Cooch this season? I smell a poll question!

#11 Ndamukong Somethings 2 – 4 @ 1102 pts/gm

For the first time all season, the Somethings have two quarterbacks! I present to you: Mike Glennon and Thad Lewis! Unfortunately for Somethings fans though, ownership screwed the pooch again and left Thad on the bench. Even with the disappearing act from MegaTron, the Somethings would have won their matchup against the OFFs if they had started their optimal lineup. Could I have underestimated the Somethings…? If they manage to beat the Nots, I’ll consider that possibility. For now, be happy you’re not in the basement. My prediction: Somethings win in a nail-biter, but only if they start V-Jax and Thad

#12 Yester Cooch 2 – 4 @ 1163 pts/gm

It was a tough matchup for the Cooch, but they absolutely laid down for the Bears. Let’s re-cap… They started the Pats defense against the Saints, they started Mike Wallace on a bye, they started an injured Owen Daniels and, perhaps most egregiously, they left Adrian Peterson on their bench. Terrible. Just terrible. They play the Jennis this week. My prediction: Take a wild guess…

Power Rankings: Week Six

Tier 1

My predictions weren’t quite as accurate this week in the top tier, because while I correctly predicted the Owls victory over the BOOS, the the White Bears managed to upset the Jennis. As a result of the White Bears’ success, we now have four teams in Tier 1. Also, congratulations are in order to our new No. 1 – the Sophisticated Owls! Wanna see who else is moving up (or down)? On with Rankings!

#1 Sophisticated Owls 3 – 2 @ 1525 pts/gm

There is no question that the Owls are dependent on their quarterbacks (P. Manning and Rivers). But when you’re QBs combine for an average of 761 points per game, who cares? The Owls were the top scoring team in Week Five with 1702 points, despite several holes in his line-up (Doug Martin was on a bye, the Texans put up a squadoosh and Larry Fitzgerald has been cursed by Carson Palmer). He should have started Ruben Randle over that Durham guy, but even he caught a touchdown, so things were obviously all Owls all day. The question is this: Do the Owls have the running backs to go the distance? Gore is a workhorse to be sure (his only dud was against the vaunted Seahawks D) and you have to admit that they struck back-up gold in Freddy Jackson and JOIK! Bell. Here’s crazy thing – Gore has the lowest scoring average in the group! But what that ultimately means for the Owls is that, unless Doug Martin returns to 2012 form, those three might not be enough to hold off the Jennis come play-off time. But first they have to beat The Overachievers this week, which will be more difficult than their record might suggest. My prediction: Owls win in a nail-biter and stay on top of the Rankings

#2 Who wants Jenni ngs or Harvin? 4 -1 @ 1518 pts/gm

The Jennis have been the prettiest girl at school all season. But Week 5 really shook up the League’s former No. 1 – the Jennis suffer their first loss, lose their stranglehold on the points race, lose Michael Vick mid-game (and possibly longer), lose Julio Jones for the season and fall out of first place in the Power Rankings all in one week. Sure, you could point to their failure to start a kicker, but that move has worked for them in the past, and they ended up losing by almost 600 points, so the kicker wouldn’t have mattered. But the Jennis have taken it lying down, if you will, quickly trading for Wes Welker to replace the injured Jones and nabbing Zac Stacy and Donald Brown off of the waiver wire. And since Bradford is a capable replacement for Vick, the Jennis should weather this rough patch just fine. Up next they have their favorite trade partner, the Nots, and since the Jennis have taken three of the Nots best players already, I think they get the win. My Prediction: Jennis bounce back, improve to 5 – 1

Tier 2

After looking at the Rankings long and hard, I decided that the tiers also needed to change this week. Above, you are looking at the odds on favorites to win this season. Does that mean they will? Hell no. Better teams have lost before. But, in the humble opinion of the rankings, they are a cut above the Albinos and the BOOs, for now. But there’s also no question in my mind that these next two teams are head-and-shoulders above the next grouping.

#3 Albino Polar Bears 4 – 1 @ 1418 pts/gm

We have a new team in three spot as well this week, thanks to the White Bears’ Week 5 performance. If Terrelle Pryor continues his steller fantasy play and Jay Cutler keeps it rolling, then this team is way more dangerous than I first thought. Because quarterback was their weak spot. Now that they have Arian Foster to go with T-Rich, their running backs look solid. But you wonder how much what’s going on in Houston with Schaub is going to effect Andre Johnson. Still they have DeSean Jackson and Jimmy Graham too, so they have stars to spare on this squad. And with the Cooch of Yore up next on their schedule, it’s hard to imagine them losing this week either. My prediction: Albinos win in a laugher, improve to 5 – 1

#4 BOO YAH! 4 – 1 @ 1429 pts/gm

After winning four straight (and not moving up in the Rankings once), the BOOs drop their first game (to the best team in League) and drop a spot immediately. This is a roster that begs for a trade: they’re set at quarterback (Luck/Ryan) and tight end (Cameron), and solid at wide receiver. My only critique of the pass catchers is that with Josh Gordon and Cameron, they might be a little too dependent on the Browns. But Jordy is looking very good, T.Y. Hilton is emerging and he’s got Amendola and Edleman. But one glance at the running back situation (they start Giovani Bernard and Danny Woodheard – start!), they clearly need to improve their to have a shot at the top spot. But given their stance on future draft pick trading, will they be able to keep up in the arms race? In fact, if I were them, I would watch out for those sneaky Deer this week. My prediction: BOOs are stunned by the deer, drop to 4 – 2

Tier 3

There are five teams in this group because, well, after five games, I don’t know what to make of them. Some teams have good records but low totals, others have bad records and higher totals, and the rest have started selling off their teams and are winning anyway. So for now, they get lumped together.

#5 Caminker Hair Mousse AllStars 2 – 3 @ 1291 pts/gm

The AllStars had a strong outing against the Overachievers and it was a total team effort, with 8 players scoring in triple digits. But the AllStars are all over the place, with five quarterbacks on the roster (Eli, Schaub, Manuel, Foles, Fitzpatrick) and two starting running backs on their bench (Spiller, McGahee). The Schaub situation is a nightmare for the Stars, but maybe they can use their running back depth to get another consistent stud going forward. This is not a team you want to let into the playoffs, because they have the kind of players that could catch fire at the right time. They can’t afford a loss to the Weinermans this week though, if they want to continue their march up the Rankings. My prediction: AllStars trip over the Weinermans, drop to 2 – 4

#6 1-Legged Deer 3 – 2 @ 1125 pts/gm

Could I have been more wrong about the Deer’s performance in Week 5? I predicted a season-high, and instead they get double-up’d by the Weinermans after putting up the lowest total of the season. Pretty much the whole team shit the bed, which doomed them from the start and some questionable management decisions sealed the deal. I trust the Deer will not leave Moreno on the bench against the Jaguars. But I still think this team is the most well-rounded in this tier, so think they’ll make the play-offs and they could contend, if they add a stud running back or wide out. I think this is a statement game against the BOOs. My prediction: Deer topple the BOOs and continue their climb up the rankings

#7 Not Relevent! 3 – 2 @ 1318 pts/gm

Right now, Hank is the Billy Beane of the Bad News Barristers. Every week he sends away more players, and yet he keeps on winning anyway. As noted in the trade announcement, the Julio Jones/Wes Welker trade really fit the Nots plan going forward giving them maximum flexibility with Dez and AJ. But will anyone be willing to part with their first rounder? I think this week their trades catch up to them. My prediction: Nots get rolled by the Jennis, drop to .500

#8 FLACC OFF 1 – 4 @ 1303 pts/gm

It’s easy to blame Tony Gonzalez and Bilal Powell for the FLACC’s Week 5 loss to the Nots. All they had to do was get one touchdown between them on Monday Night Football to get the win, and they failed. But it was a down week for everyone on the squad this week and the fourth loss puts the OFFs in a very precarious position. They haven’t declared themselves a buyer or seller this season, but with another loss or two, is there any way they could realistically be a buyer at the deadline? They have the Somethings this Week, so it’s a crucial that they stem the tide of defeat. My prediction: OFFs right the ship, pick up their second win of the season

#9 Suckmy Weinermans 1 – 4 @ 1226 pts/gm

There won’t be a winless team this season, folks! Congrats to the Weinermans on their win over the Disabled Deer. The Deer may have rolled over, but the Weinermans ran up the score, lead by Tony Romo’s 548 points. Is it possible that the Weinermans are getting better? No, just look at their bench – it’s a joke. But Geno Smith is no joke, in fantasy anyway, so there may be more emails in our future. And the ownership clearly hasn’t given up on this season (or at least acquiring more picks) because they nabbed Garrett Graham off of waivers in the wake of the Owen Daniels injury-news. Impressive. I like the vibe in Wein-town right now, and I think they keep it rolling this week against the AllStars. My prediction: Weinermans get their second win of the season

Tier 4

Three teams are in the bottom tier this week, each for different reason. One is here because their ownership is so inept, they weren’t able to start a quarterback. Another is here because the ownership is so inept that they lost to the team that couldn’t start a quarterback. And the third is here because, despite the ineptitude of the ownership of the other two teams, they have the lowest point total in the League. Let’s go dumpster humping together, shall we?

#10 The Overachievers 1 – 4 @ 1040 pts/gm

The winningest team in League history is off to worst start ever, losing for the fourth time in five games to the AllStars by 971 points. And even if the Overachievers would have had the foresight to start Justin Blackmon (221 points), they still would have gotten crushed. The week started on a bad omen with Hoyer going down in the opening moments of the Thursday night game. But only DeMarco Murray and Cam Newton cracked triple digits (and only barely), so there wasn’t a single bright spot for the Overacheivers this week. I thought this team would turn it around, but when you’re the lowest scoring team through five weeks, the writing is on the wall – they’re just not very good. And things don’t get much easier this week against the Owls. My prediction: Overachievers lose again, but, as a team, they will outscore Peyton Manning

#11 Ndamukong Something 2 – 3 @ 1102 pts/gm

The inches we need are EVERYWHERE! They were the worst team in the League, their only quarterback (The Giraffe) and second best receiver (V-Jax) were on a bye and their best player (Megatron) was a late scratch. But with yeomen performances from Cecil Shorts, Jacquizz Rodgers, Matt Prater and the Bengals’ defense, the Somethings pieced together enough points to defeat the Ole’ Cooch. Sure, the Cooch were without AP All Day, but that really shouldn’t have mattered. Although they have a better record then their Week 6 opponents (FLACC OFF), they are early underdogs in Vegas (+255). My prediction: Something’s get OFF’d, fall to 2 – 4

#12 Yester Cooch 2 – 3 @ 1246 pts/gm

After seemingly taking the first four weeks of the season off, the Cooch of Yore sprang to life in Week 5, snagging Kenjon Barner (for $9) and Ryan Succop off the waiver wire. But they couldn’t keep up that pace for long, because they forgot to start Succop and squared off against the Somethings without a kicker. And even if they had gotten credit for Succop’s 110 points, they still would have lost, they would have won easily had they started James Jones over Sidney Rice. I don’t care what the explanation is, if you lose to a team without a quarterback, you deserve to be ranked last. And I think they’ll be here for a little while, because they’re next two opponents have a combined record of 8 – 2. My prediction: Cooch get crushed and get comfy in the basement

Power Rankings: Week Five

Tier 1

Not to toot my own horn, but all three of the teams in Tier 1 of the Power Rankings won in Week Four. And so, (spoiler!) our top three teams all remain the same. But with the top four teams all playing each other in Week Five, something tells me that this list will be slightly different next week. For now, on with the rankings!

#1 Who wants Jenn ings or Harvin? 4 – 0 @ 162 pts/gm

The Who…? predictably bagged their fourth win in as many weeks against an Aaron Rodger-less FLACC OFF. It was another all around performance for the League’s top scoring team, but it is becoming clear that their weakness at running back make them vulnerable to upset. They have a tough matchup against the Albinos this week, but the White Bears have never outscored the Jenns, so I doubt this week will be any different. My prediction: Jenns improve to 5 – 0

#2 Sophisticated Owls 2 – 2 @ 147 pts/gm

The Owls were the League’s top point-getter in Week 4 (148 pts) behind another sterling performance from Peyton Manning (40 pts), and yet they only barely topped their weekly average! Without any glaring weaknesses, this team has some tough decisions to make about where to take this team from here. There’s little question that the only thing keeping the Owls out of the top spot is their Week One loss to the Jenns, but a loss to the BOOs in Week Five might push them in the other direction. Random thought – how much do you wish Santonio Holmes was Antonio Brown? But even if Greg Jennings turns out to be relevant again with Cassel under center, what this team lacks is depth, so to get better, they’ll probably have to give up picks. My prediction: Owls shake off the BOOs to make it four straight

#3 BOO YAH! 4 – 0 @ 145 pts/gm

Undefeated and still in the hole, fans of the BOOs have a right to complain. But they only beat the Weinermans this week (see waaay below) and they missed their average this week with only 140 points. On the other hand, if they had started Woodhead (23 pts), they’d have been the Week’s top scorer. But that cuts both ways, doesn’t it? This week’s matchup against the Owls will reveal whether the BOOs are for real. Incidentally, this is one of the few teams with a quarterback to trade, and they might have to if they want to keep pace with teams ahead of them.

Tier 2

I would also like to take this opportunity to pat myself on the back for predicting that Matt Cassel would become the starter in Minnesota. And, if I’ve been smart enough to actually start him over Flacco (who threw five interceptions), I might actually have beat Greg. And yes I know that Leslie Frazer has said Ponder is his starter, but he’s also said they’ll consider all options. You know what that means? Mike Glennon is Osman’s only starting quarterback! Amazing!

#4 Albino Bears 3 – 1 @ 136 pts/gm

The Albinos survived the trap game against the Somethings and can now focus all of their attention on their showdown against the undefeated Who…? If Le’Veon Bell is for real, then the Albinos have even more depth at running back. And is Jimmy Graham the most valuable non-quarterback in the league? Absolutely. If they’re going to be a top seed though, they’re simply going to have to find a way to score more points.

#5 FLACC OFF 1 – 3 @ 134 pts/gm

Even though they were huge underdogs going into their Week Four matchup against the Who…? without Aaron Rodgers on the field, FLACC OFF lost because of bad management. In addition to the Cassel thing, they also left the Niners defense on the bench against the Rams. But riddle me this… Has a team owned by the Commish ever looked the same in Week Fourteen as it did in Week Four? Who is interested in the services of Lee Daniels presents Alfred Morris? Did you know that even his father’s father was a gentleman’s gentleman? It’s a risky matchup against the Irrelevants in Week Five, and they’re chances of success may depend on quickly Hank can unload his best players. My prediction: Rodgers bounces back, FLACC wins no matter what Hank does

#6 1-Legged Deer 3 – 1 @ 123 pts/gm

The Deer mark are the team making the biggest jump in the rankings. But their 147 point total and .750 winning percentage must be recognized. With seven players in double digits, it was a total team effort for the Deer, but their MVP was…? You guessed it: Alex Smith (30 pts). And they may have more depth than I gave them credit for, leaving two 20+ scorers on their bench (Alshon Jeffery and Nate Washington). Lynch and Moreno are turning out to be formidable, but they’ll need one more running back keep this meteoric rise going. And the odds are in their favor, they have the Weinermans this week. My prediction: Deer set a new season-high and move to 4 – 1

Tier 3

And one wonders how Tom feels now after he picked up Matt Flynn on Thursday, only to drop him on Saturday (to be fair, it was after it been said that Pryor would play), only to have Greg snatch Flynn up on Sundayafter Pryor was officially declared inactive. I wonder how Greg feels about paying $3 for Matt Flynn. They both probably better than Osman feels.

#7 Not Relevant! 2 – 2 @ 134 pts/gm

The Rankings work in mysterious ways… After losing to the Cooch of Yore, the Irrelevants moved UP two spots! But a name change is worthy of recognition. To say nothing of the fact that, when the moon is right, this team becomes a beast – Sproles, Bryant, Green and Welker are all capable of posting serious numbers. But Dalton/Tannehill might be too shitty of a QB-combo to overcome. And just when Locker started looking good, he broke his hip? What the f#ck is that? . . . Is what I would have written before Hank lit the slow fuse on the ticking time bomb that is his roster. Those sweet players mentioned above? You can have any of them. And Osman, you can have those quarterbacks. It’s not like I thought he was gonna win this week anyway, but now his prospects for the future look even more grim. My prediction: It’s all down hill from here

#8 Yester Cooch 2 – 2 @ 133 pts/gm

It was the Cooch versus Irrelevancy, which made it almost poetic, but it was more about Sproles (28 pts) versus Brees (46 pts). Well, Bress won and the Cooch of Yore crack the 150 mark and improve to 2 – 2. But after Brees (and AP, who had 26 pts), this team doesn’t have much to be excited about. Maybe they have depth? Nope – there were five squadooshes on their bench. And that doesn’t count James Jones’s bye week. But they have the Somethings this week, so look for their current streak to continue. My prediction: Cooch win, but barely

#9 The Overachievers 1 –  3 @ 116 pts/gm

The Achievers beat their average in Week Four, but their average is so paltry, that they are in serious danger of dropping into the bottom tier. The wide receiver core is the clear weakness here, so that is something they are going to have to address if they ever hope to sniff the second tier. They have a very winnable game this week against the AllStars, and I’m not sure that Hoyer shouldn’t be this team’s starter over Palmer with RGIII on a bye. Just sayin’. My prediction: Overachievers win easily, improve to 2 – 3

#10 Caminker Hair Mousse AllStars 1 – 3 @ 124 pts/gm

The AllStars used to think of themselves as the Patriots, winning multiple championships thanks to clever roster decisions and crafty, some might even say ‘shady,’ trades. But who are they now? The Redskins? The Browns? The Jaguars? The Eli Manning trade–and keeper decision–looks worse by the week, and the Spiller trade might end up screwing us all by paying a premium for Freddy Jackson’s back-up and setting the market so high.  I don’t know what to expect from the AllStars in the future, but I know better than to count them out.

Tier 4

Is that a giraffe? Napoleon Dynamite? Nope, that’s Osman’s best quarterback! Last week’s bottom feeders both lost again (surprise, surprise), but they were also the two lowest scoring teams. So don’t I deserve some props? No? Okay fine. But let’s agree that you don’t want to see your team name in this tier.

#11 Suckmy Weinermans 0 – 4 @ 117 pts/gm

Who wants the Colts defense? ‘Cause the Weinermans will trade you the Colts D for a second round pick and a hundred dollhairs. The fact that this they scored over 100 points is frankly impressive. If Kaepernick starts playing well, you might actually see another trade out of the Weinermans before the deadline. Which means we have at least 27 more emails in our future. Maybe by number 25 we’ll figure out how to spell Geeno Smith. My prediction: Loss number five will come at the hooves of the Deer

#12 Ndamukong Something 1 – 3 @ 108 pts/gm

All kidding aside… This team is terrible. After scoring just 85 points in Week Four, the Somethings are coming dangerously close to warranting their own tier. No one likes to see Megatron and Jamaal Charles become delicious tuna for the sharks in Tier 1 to feast on in the trade waters, but when the kicker is the next best player on the team, what choice do you have but to blow it up? I guess you could trade your whole 2014 draft for Peyton Manning. But you’d probably still need to throw in Vincent Jackson. The real question is: if the Weinermans get blanked this season, will the Somethings ever take over the #11 spot? My prediction: If they don’t win this week (and I don’t think they will), they may not win again this season

Update (Tuesday @ 11am): I just realized that the Giraffe has a bye this week. So unless the Somethings can nab Ryan Fitzpatrick off of the waiver wire, then they will not be able to field a starting NFL quarterback this week. Unprecedented! Stay tuned!

Power Rankings

The first edition of the Power Rankings make their debut with Week Four looming. And perhaps rightly so, as we are just now beginning to see the power structure of the League take form. On with the Rankings…!

Tier 1

#1 Who Wants Jenn ings or Harvin?  3 – 0 @ 167 pts/gm

Not Greg, apparently, since neither Jenn ings nor Harvin have been on his roster this season. And while he now has the stupidest team name in the League, our 2011 Champion also has the League’s most dominant team. Led by the dynamic quarterbacking duo of Matt Stafford and the incomparable Michael Vick, the Who…? have vanquished FLACC OFF, The Overachievers and Hopefully Relevant on their way to a perfect record with an astonishing 167 points per game. Of course, Stafford and Vick combine for 57.5 points per game themselves. Oh, and their second highest scoring quarterback is actually on their bench (Sam Bradford), so they’ve got that going for them too, which must be nice. Also nice are the trio of wide outs they can field every week: Brandon Marshall, Julio Jones and Demaryius Thomas. Following the Hank Dunfee model of success, the Who…? is totally reliant on those receivers, because their running backs are the impenetrable Matt Forte, the law firm of BenJarvus Green-Ellis and… DeAngelo “I Had Fantasy Relevance 5 Years Ago, I Swear” Williams… yikes. They probably won’t lose this week either though, because they face FLACC OFF on Aaron Rodgers’s bye week. But their next four opponents after that have a combined record of 8 – 4, so we’ll see how long that undefeated streak lasts…

#2 Sophisticated Owls 1 – 2 @ 147 pts/gm

The number two scoring team in the League (although still 20 points behind the Who…?) has the horse-like, 4x MVP, Peyton Manning, who is averaging 42 points per game and is very sophisticated. The Owls deserve all the points that Manning reigns down this season, having kept Manning the last few seasons through trades and backiotomies alike. But that’s not all the Owls have going for them. They also have the rejuvenated Phillip Rivers, the steady Jason Witten and the thus-far under performing Doug Martin, Frank Gore and Larry Fitzgerald. That’s right, imagine what will happen when the Owls can really spread their wings! Joqiue Bell could be the steal of the draft and they also have Fred Jackson on their bench (are you paying attention here, Weiss?). So how do they have a losing record, you ask? Well, because Who wants Jenn ings or Harvin? put up 191 on them in Week One and FLACC OFF hung another 173 on them in Week Two! But I expect this team’s record to be turned around by mid-season, and if they can pull off a blue chip trade, they should be one of the favorites to go the distance with Peyton at the helm. I think they can safely drop Nate Burleson at this point though.

#3 BOO YAH! 3 – 0 @ 146 pts/gm

How is this team undefeated? I ask you. Don’t get me wrong, they have pieces all over the place: Jordan Cameron turns out to be a beast, Jordy Nelson looks to be in peak form this year and Matt Ryan and Andrew Luck are about as good as it gets at quarterback (but see, Greg’s team). But after that, what am I looking at? Lamar Miller? Giovani Bernard? T.Y. Hilton? That may be a fantasy all star team in 2015, but right now it looks more like list of the week’s top waiver wire pick-ups. But the Boos have never scored below a buck thirty and, while they haven’t played great competition (Yester Cooch, Albino Polar Bears and 1-Legged Deer), their games haven’t really been closely contested. Still, I don’t think this team (as currently configured) is going to be a top seed at the end of the regular season. But for right now, they round out the top tier.

Tier 2

#4 Albino Polar Bears 2 – 1 137 pts/gm

Fantasy teams, like real teams, need identities to win. And the Black Bears are, to mix metaphors, work-horses. They’re not gonna sniff 200 points this season, but they will string together wins. Russell Wilson and Terrelle Pryor are a surprisingly good pair of quarterbacks (averaging over 40 points per game). And they have Jay Cutler! Okay, that one’s a joke. But the Albinos also have a really good tandem on wide outs in DeSean Jackson and Brian Hartline, and you simply cannot overstate the value of Jimmy Graham. If the Albinos hadn’t lost to BOO YAH! in Week Two, they would be in top tier despite their lower point total; but wins against the Suckmy Weinermans and Ndamukong Something are nothing to write home about (see Tier 4). With the right acquisitions, I could see the 2010 League Champion taking a run at another title this year.

#5 FLACC OFF 1 – 2 @ 137 pts/gm

I have been accused on more than one occasion of ranking myself too high. But with Aaron Rodgers and his 33 points per game, I always have a chance, and Alfred “The Butler” Morris and Reggie Bush are turning out to be solid running back pair. But my only win came against the Owls in a monster Week Two performance, and after losing to the Caminker Hair Mousse AllStars and Yester Cooch, I traded for Bilal Powell to add running back depth. I do feel pretty comfortable with Randall Cobb, Pierre Garcon and Steve Johnson as my wide outs though. If ToGo steps it up, this is a team you do not want to face come play-off time.

Tier 3

#6 Caminker Hair Mousse AllStars 1 – 2 @ 126 pts/gm

The Caminker Hair Mousse AllStars are trying to rebuild the dynasty and their desperation showed as they took Suckmy Weinermans main trade-bait and sent their 2014 first round pick off for C.J. Spiller. A Spiller-Rice tandem sounded killer in August, but how ’bout now? There is still plenty of time for them to bounce back though, and CJ2k is no slouch for a RB3. The AllStars have also been active on the waiver wire, snagging early waiver darling Julius Thomas and recently adding Willis McGahee, Ryan Broyles and the Chiefs defense. And I’m sure we haven’t seen their last trade of the season. Percy Harvin ain’t walkin’ through that door any time soon, so they’ll need more help if they are going to regain a winning record (their only win is against me and they lost to the Owls and Hopefully Relevant!).

#7 Hopefully Relevant! 2 – 1 @ 129 pts/gm

I’m sure a tear was shed in the Dunfee household when the Jaguars downgraded Denard Robinson from “Offensive Weapon” to just “Wide Receiver.” I am also surprised not to see the form namesake of the Hopefuls on this roster, because every other wide receiver is – they have A.J. Green, Dez Bryant, Wes Welker, DeAndre Hopkins, Antonio Gates and Martellus Bennett. But their only loss is the Who…?, having defeated the AllStars and the Overachievers, so what do I know? Well, I know that if you think it’s hard for our defending champion to choose among the Red Rocket, Ryan Tannehill, and Jake Locker at quarterback, imagine how tough the choice is when you have Darren Sproles, Eddie Lacy, Da’Rel Scott, Bryce Brown and Bobby Rainey (who the f#ck is Bobby Rainey?) at running back!!! #GOODLUCKWITHTHAT

#8 Yester Cooch 1 – 2 @ 126 pts/gm

Yes, they have AP and Brees. That has been true since time immemorial. But the rest of their team? Yikes. Steven Ridley has been a total bust, Roddy White has been hampered by injury, Victor Cruz plays for the Giants, and the rest of his team is just ho-hum (Mike Wallace, Eric Decker, James Jones). Perhaps if this team packaged some of their middle players together for an upgrade at one position and then was willing to give up picks to acquire a top player at another position, they might have a chance. But this point, this team looks to be fish food for the eventual championship contenders.

Tier 4

#9 1-Legged Deer 2 – 1 @ 114 pts/gm

The now confusingly named 1-Legged Deer have a winning record and can be legit contenders if with a few savvy moves. Paulson probably didn’t expect Alex Smith to be THAT much better than Tom Brady, but the two have turned out to be a serviceable pair. Knowshon Moreno was a big pick-up on draft day, and Marshawn Lynch is looking to be everything he was expected to be. And, while nothing to write home about, Marques Colston and Reggie Wayne are two wide outs with big upside each week. If Maurice Jones-Drew comes around, this team could be a play-off contender and has the bones of a championship team if they can acquire a piece or two. But they’ll have to do something because they are lowest scoring team in the League.

#10 The Overachievers 1 – 2 @ 115.5 pts/gm

Admittedly, the numbers aren’t their for the Overachievers. For right now, at least, the name does not fit the team. But on paper, I still like this team:  Arian Foster and RGIII are both under-performing but are still fully cable of becoming dominant again. Even Cam Newton hasn’t fully reached his potential yet. But Demarco Murray is running strong and when Gronk comes back (which looks like it will be next week), the Overachievers can run with anyone in the ‘Lig.’ Plus, the ownership remains as strong as ever, nabbing Eddie Royal, Kenbrell Thompkins, James Starks and Brandon Hoyer off the waiver wire. Watch for this team to creep up the rankings from here… They’ve already played the Who…? and, well, um, the Weinermans and the Hopefuls, so they’ve got a lot to look forward to.

#11 Suckmy Weinermans 0 – 3 @ 119 pts/gm

After selling his soul last season in a desperate attempt to win it all, the Suckmy Weinermans have flipped the script and are already a seller this year, sending C.J. Spiller to the AllStars for a 2014 first rounder pick. And while some say they were a little quick to pull the plug on this season, their record says otherwise (they lost to the Albinos, the Somethings and the Overachievers in consecutive weeks). And when you reach on a guy like Colin Kaepernick and whiff, well, then it’s time to face facts. They also have Tony Romo, and LeSean McCoy is certainly the team’s shining star, but those are the only guys they are unwilling to trade! The rest of the roster is absolute garbage, with more than half their starters having an ESPN ownership percentage less than 35 percent! So how is this NOT the worst team in the League? Well, let’s ponder that for a moment…

#12 Ndamukong Something 1 – 2 @ 116 pts/gm

To hear the ownership of Ndamukong Something tell it, he was in the draft room, surrounding by handmade rankings and piles of research, he got up to take a whizz, and BAM! All the quarterbacks were gone! And, in a sense, we all felt that way. But the rest of us found a way to draft someone other than Christian Ponder… I mean Christian-f#ck!ng-Ponder! And here we are, already in Week 4, and who’s the starter in Minnesota? You guessed it, anyone but Ponder. Go ahead, keep telling yourself that it’s his ribs, and not the fact that Wario (a/k/a Ziggy Wilf) didn’t finally wake up and realize, “holy-f#ck!ng-sh!t, Christian Ponder is my quarterback!” Do you think he still has Tavaris Jackson’s phone number? Okay, to be far to the Somethings, their keepers are looking waaay better now (Megatron was always a beast, but Jamaal Charles has also returned to form). But after Vincent Jackson and Darren McFadden, this team falls off a cliff. Read that last sentence again. One more time. Yep, this team is in big trouble. Their only win has come against the Weinermans in Week 2 (they’ve lost to the Albinos and the Deer). And unless they solve the quarterback situation, its hard to image the Somethings as anything but sellers come the trade deadline.